Things and stuff happened today, but I want to focus my energies on my evening, as I attended a fundraiser with the wife, further cementing the vast divide between myself and my fellow man here locally.
The wife had to be there to open this thing up as well as stick around to help clean up afterward, so I bit the bullet and drove, ensuring that I'd be there for the full run of the event. I hit the bar, which was stocked with only domestic swill in the beer department and cheap wine, so my whiskey dreams went up in smoke immediately. I decided on a White Zinfandel
, because I find that Merlot
generally makes me think that there's a stick of butter lost in the bottle, it's a weird aftertaste that I don't want to have to get used to. The White Zin
probably makes me look like some kinda faggot-fairy-nancy-boy to the locals with their Bud Light
, but what do I care, eh? Bottom line, I'm not a wine guy, so I was making the best of things.
Fortified with shitty wine, I joined the wife near the entrance to the venue, where we greeted folks as they entered for the better part of an hour, then joined the acquaintances we were to be seated with at our table inside. We visited a bit, then mingled our way over to the food buffet stations, my wine count is about 3 glasses at this stage. We got our food, then headed back to the table, ate with our friends (acquaintances? I dunno how I want to qualify these folks) and chit chatted about the entertainment, a mid-level country music act that I'd personally never heard, but had heard of
. It was hard to judge his show, as every other song was a cover, so you weren't really getting the full effect of listening to his
music exactly, but his covers were decent enough.
The wife turned to me and said that she was happy I wasn't like "the other men here", indicating the folks standing around swilling shitty beer and bidding on hunting trips, which I assured her was my pleasure, as I'd never wanted to be like any of these people. I mean, they seem like nice enough folks on the surface I suppose, but I've just never had anything in common with the average alpha male jag-off, and now here I am in a room full of them. What's more, every single one of these assholes seemed to know one another
, it was a bit nauseating.
Lotsa backslapping, that's all I'm saying. Monkeys
relate to one another on higher levels than these people. Okay, I'll stop, I'm just being a judgmental cunt, but you have to admit, I'm pretty good at it, right?
We made another round looking at the silent auction items to see how the sales were going (I grabbed wines 4 & 5 around this point), I commented to my buddy the Minister
(who I've developed a puzzling rapport with, despite my inherently sacrilegious nature) that I was puzzled by the behavior of one of the members of our party, the 'class-warrior' type we'd had dinner with a few months ago. The guy wasn't too keen on being here at all
, apparently my being around was actually a selling point (presumably since he'd know someone there), and then he and his wife show up, don't eat, don't even have a beer or anything, barely say 2 words to anyone at the table. It was just odd to me, as I'm not an outgoing person at all, but I've developed a persona to put others at ease, make with the chit chat, all that bullshit. It's rather sociopathic if you dig too deep, I prefer to think it's merely a tool to help keep others at ease when I really don't have much to say to them.
That said, I can't for the life of me imagine that this dude is so socially retarded that he can't make with the small talk any better than he does, he seems defiantly removed from the proceedings like a sullen kid, I just don't get it.
The evening finally got towards that 'wrapping the fuck up' stage, where all the 'ugly lights' came on and they called out the winners of the various raffle items. The wife started helping the other women pulling stuff from tables so that the venue people could put of their rental items, so I joined her in doing that, corralling all the table decor and table cloths near the back of the building. Most of the lingering attendees took the hint and moved on, but I'll be damned if there weren't a good couple dozen people who didn't have anywhere else to be and just sat at their tables while we cleaned around them, visiting as though they'd been reunited with long lost relatives rather than having a night out with the same shitty people that they see every weekend.
In the interest of making their stay as unpleasant as possible, I actually crop-dusted a table full of folks as I walked by with my arms loaded with junk, just blew a silent fart as I was passing them and kept on moving, because fuck 'em, y'know?
Another table full of people who can't take a hint, all of them older than the wife and I (I.E.: old enough to know better and of an age to have something better to do with their lives instead of sitting around boozing it up in public) mentioned casually as we cleared their table that if the organization saved the cans and bottles for recycling that they could make some extra money (!) off the event. I resisted the urge to tell (scream at
) the woman that regardless of the recycle value, no one in their right mind wanted to sort through 20 bags of trash to make $20 in recycling dividends. The cans are made of aluminum, not silver, bitch.
Don't get it twisted folks, I'm all
about recycling, but this broad can eat a bag of dicks if she thinks I'm gonna spend my night going through trash bags trying not to get drenched in beer and Christ
knows what else in the process of separating glass and aluminum.
We eventually got everything off the tables and helped the women empty the candles from the containers and back into their boxes, bagged up the rented table cloths, and were creeping towards the end of things when I spotted a couple dudes I'd seen earlier, two guys who embody all
the worst things about the state of Texas
. Slightly out of shape in tight jeans, big boots, big goofy hats, swilling cheap beer and generally being loud, they play into every awful stereotype you can imagine, and it makes me a little sick. They started in yammering at the musical artist about how great he'd been, I nudged the wife and said that I wanted to beat the two guys in hats to death with a shovel, she asked if they were with the band. I said that I certainly didn't think so, and sure enough, they were soon wandering around, talking to a couple of the women breaking down the event, then saying goodbye to another husband who'd been guilted into helping out. They seemed lost, with no place to go now that the open bar had dried up.
I paused to tell the wife that I don't know how the venue staff keep from stabbing these late lingering type fuckers in the neck and shoving them in the dumpsters...I mean I'd only been there for a scant five hours and I wanted them dead in a ditch simply because everything that came out of their mouths was loud and amounted to "I've drank a lot and I'm going to keep drinking until I go to sleep and then maybe wake up still drunk! Yay weekend!"
We finally called it a night as the actual volunteers were getting the stuff loaded out the door, the wife and I had been helping out of the kindness of her heart, so once they were in the home stretch we felt okay to split and head to the house. On the upside my labor walking shit all over the building and packing stuff up had burned off my minor buzz, so I drove us home without any fear of the fuzz bothering us.
I'm out kids.
Be seeing you.Tag, you're it, Baggy Eyes! Charity Events
, Social Retardation
, Drunk Assholes